Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Apocalypse Is Heaven Out Here

Wow, that was scary.  The world was supposed to end yesterday, so either it didn't happen or I was one of the 3% predicted to be swept to heaven (I knew it all along!) - and it looks and feels exactly like my place did back on earth!  As a matter of fact, maybe better!  The rain and cold of Friday turned into a gloriously warm, peaceful day out here.  Maybe this really is heaven!  (If not, it's certainly "heaven on earth" - but I already knew that when I was back there.  The "Jewel of the West" I always called it.)  I guess I'll have to jump in the F150 and tool over to the general store to see if I'm the only one who made it.  Hold it, maybe I can levitate over there now that I'm in heaven!  Nah, I think I'll drive just in case.  Hey maybe I'll get an unlimited free supply of unleaded up here!  Geez, cool.  (If you made it too, please make a comment below.)  I hope I'm not alone.  I haven't seen Gabriel at the Pearly Gates yet, let alone the Big Guy with the white beard and hairline like mine.  I guess that's later.
Five hours later: Still haven't seen a living soul out here on the acreage, but I got a text message from Mary in Florida, so parts of that state must have survived the rapture.  (Reminds me of the song by Debby Harry, right?  "those men from Mars, they're eating cars and now they're going to eat guitars...")  The TV is working too, just like back on earth.  Guess I'll watch the hockey game later today.  Maybe we get free beer and chips up here, who knows?  If any of you can read this back in apocalypseville, gimme a comment, eh?
Awhile later: Well, I had to get off the John Deere and come inside because of the thunder and lightning.  For a minute I thought it was heralding the arrival of the Big Guy (or perhaps that California preacher got the day wrong and the apocalypse was just starting).  But now it's raining like hell - ya wouldn't think it would rain up here.  Everything should be all leafy and green without rain.  Still haven't seen a living soul, though, so the apoca must've happened.
After the game:  Hey, I just went online and read the papers.  No apocalypse!  How could Harold be wrong (again)?  He's an engineer, begeesus!  Somebody give the guy a calculator or - even better - a straitjacket.  Doesn't he know that the Bible was written hundreds of years after the events it describes, that it includes some authors but excludes others, includes zero contemporary accounts, and that it has been heavily edited throughout?  Next time, Harold, you might do better calculating from Alice In Wonderland, a much more entertaining piece of fiction.